[This week's Totally Optional Prompts was to write a ghazal. I finally gave it a try and had better luck that I had thought I would. Now I need to write an "up" one since this one is such a downer.]
Lonely Ghazal
On darkened subway platforms, right and left, the crowd was crushed.
Without you, I am all alone; without you I am crushed.
The winter winds blew through my skin, and chilled me to the bone.
I pulled tomatoes from a can; I took each one and crushed.
The sun in springtime showed its strength; the snow banks dwindled down.
The piles of white grew heavier; the grass beneath was crushed.
Hot summer air was full of tears, unshed the dampness was,
I tried to take a lonely breath; but felt my lungs were crushed.
I wandered autumn's paths alone, beheld each barren tree.
My laggard feet scuffed on the ground, and left dead leaves all crushed.
We made our plans together, once, to travel side-by-side.
Now solitary sister moves on freely -- spirit crushed.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
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17 comments:
Very emotive. I am looking forward to seeing the optimistic one. :)
Thanks, maekitso.
Very poignant... it's interesting how the refrain shapes the poem - if you have to end every couplet with a word like crushed it's hard to move on from that emotion.
(Though, if you wanted to give this one an optimistic ending, rather than writing another one, you could try adding a couplet using crushed in the sense of being hugged by someone...!)
Oh it is sad, but very lovely, and just right for the form I think. Lirone's idea has cheered me up a bit!
Well done! Even though the sadness is evident, I think happiness cannot be written into every poem. I like this!
Very cool idea, Lirone! I think I'll leave this one as it is, but I may just have to write another with the additional flavor to "crushed."
Hello, Lucy. I enjoyed your discussion of the form so I take your compliment to heart.
Hi, Sue. Glad you like it.
And it wasn't just your spirit - everything got crushed, I like the fun bit about the tomatoes.
Sad, but beautiful - now I'm going to look around your blog.
PS Thanks for you kind comment
Thanks, Andy. I like the tomatoes too!
Hello, Moe, and thanks. You are welcome to look around anytime. I'll be back to your place too.
I like the way this moves through the seasons, each one lonely in its own way.
I really liked this piece. I, too, found it hard to write something upbeat. But your ghazal moved through the seasons...I felt that there was a sense of movement...an optimism that life goes on no matter how bad you are feeling.
My uber depressing attempt at a ghazal is Waiting for Daylight
-Bev
Thanks, Juliet.
Hello, Bev. Thank you. I'll try to pop over to see yours before I leave for vacation, otherwise I'll read it when I return.
You captured the essence of loneliness - nothing to look forward to - knowing it's only going to be the same as last time. Each season a tragic episode that gets played over and over.
beautiful... loved the wondering thru seasons.... it is a wonderful sad lonely ghazal but oh so perfect...
Thanks, Stan.
And thanks, believer. I like the way it turned out too, but I think it is still far from perfect.
This was SO beautiful.
I especially loved the third stanza - such a profound thought - and so very thought-provoking somehow.
Hello, Felicity. Thanks. I'm glad you like it.
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